


if we wanted it enough (we're not in-love)

by shinryujin



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - Future, Closure, Confessions, Ddaengdeong, Drinking, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Future, Future Fic, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love Confessions, Mentioned Jeon Somi, Mentioned Lee Chaeryeong, Mentioned Shin Yuna, One Shot, Oneshot, Party, Ryujisu is the main ship, Short, Short One Shot, What-If, jinlia, more angst for the readers than the ship though, ryeji - Freeform, ryujisu - Freeform, this is my first time writing ryujisu/jinlia pls be nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:20:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25150777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinryujin/pseuds/shinryujin
Summary: 'It is closure, she convinces herself. Something she doesn’t think she ultimately needs because 1) she could live without knowing and 2) she probably knew the answer all this time.'Where, two old friends bump into each other at a bar in Itaewon a couple of years after graduating from college. After seeing where life has taken them, they find themselves with answers to the questions they've only ever asked the universe.
Relationships: Choi Jisu | Lia/Shin Ryujin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	if we wanted it enough (we're not in-love)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! This is the first time I'm ever writing about RyuJisu/JinLia (which is actually the main ship of this oneshot) so please take it easy on me, hehe. Although I tagged this with angst, this may be more angsty for the readers than the actual ship so brace yourselves! Please leave kudos and comments if you liked my work. Thank you!

_Itaewon-dong, Yongsan-gu, Seoul. 2024._

For some reason, Lia is feeling jittery about going out to meet her college friends at a bar in Itaewon. Her hands feel clammy as she sits at the back of the cab taking her to her destination. Maybe it’s because she hasn’t been in a bar in forever; but maybe it’s also because she hasn’t seen any of her college friends in two years. Maybe both.

It’s a Saturday night so obviously, one of the biggest nightlife districts in Seoul is packed with hordes of people trying to enjoy their weekends. Some streets are too narrow and crowded with people that vehicles could hardly pass through them. Unsurprisingly, the bar Lia’s friends decided on going to — she hardly drinks, much less go out for drinks, so she just went with whatever her friends suggested — was already full as she arrives. Luckily, her friends have reserved a table beforehand and have arrived minutes before she did.

Her phone _pings_ as her friend, Chaeryeong, texts her that she could see Lia from the entrance of the bar, along with the table number. Lia’s eyes scout the area, and she instantly sees Chaeryeong, Yuna, and Somi waving at her from a distance. She makes a beeline for their table, and she is ultimately greeted with warm, cheery smiles and hugs.

“I already ordered and paid for the first round. I promise, it’s on me,” says Somi, her friends hooting at her for being the first person to shell out funds that night. “It’s probably on its way here now.”

And true enough, in a matter of minutes, a waiter brings over a tray with four glasses to their table. As the girls lightly sip on their drinks, Lia drinking the least, they fill their table with small talk. Since their departure from performing arts school post-graduation, Chaeryeong opened up her own dance studio and has had a few students sign up already; Somi just finished recording and singing in her self-produced EP; and Lia had been getting singing gigs, some of which were at weddings and some were gourmet restaurant gigs. Yuna’s still in the process of getting through her last year at school, but is apparently going to have a painting exhibition at a public gallery and is planning to have her own gallery once she gets enough money from doing commissions.

Somi finishes her drink first, in a span of ten minutes, which doesn’t come as a surprise to the other girls. Lia wonders where Somi gets the endurance and high tolerance, but at least the girl never fails to liven up the room just by being herself, whether or not under the influence of alcohol. Somi slams her glass on the table as she finishes her drink and shouts, “Whoo! That was good. Would any of you care to join me for a dance? Come on, join me on the dance floor, or even just here in our seats vibing.”

Chaeryeong is the first to raise her hand, face already as red as a cherry tomato, sipping on her drink with the other. “I’ll go!” she says as she puts down her glass. She glances at Lia and Yuna; the latter has a sheepish gummy smile, still feeling a bit shy to step out of her shell but you can obviously tell that she wants to go. “Come on, let’s dance!” she pouts. The now owner of a dance studio tugs at Lia’s sparkly sleeve and begs her.

Lia admittedly wasn’t the best dancer and at that point, she’s still waiting for the alcohol to hit. Neither was she particularly feeling like being seen. But she takes a few more sips, hoping to loosen up enough to follow suit. She feels Chaeryeong dancing next to her in an attempt to get her up on her feet and come along. Despite the uncomfortable feeling settling in her chest, Lia manages to gulp it down along with the rest of her drink. _Fuck it, enough of this feeling, I’m enjoying myself tonight,_ she thinks.

The three of them cheer as the singer takes Chaeryeong’s hand and they head to the dance floor altogether. _I’m not getting another drink for myself after this,_ Lia tells herself as she feels her head spin the moment she stands up. But she keeps her composure and glides towards the dance floor, Chaeryeong’s hand in hers. A familiar song is playing and Lia can’t place what the title is; nonetheless, this does not stop her from swaying her hips to the beat.

Another song comes on and it has a noticeably faster beat than the previous one. It’s most likely a new song from the US; the lyrics are in English but Lia hasn’t heard it before. The bass line makes her heart burst and thump out of her chest in a good way. Her heart skips a beat as it builds up and drops to stomach as the beat drops. Lia hears Somi shout, “Ooh, this is my jam!” though muffled amidst the loud blaring of the song from the speakers.

She finds herself letting loose and heavily bopping to the song herself. Soon enough, she’s dancing like she’s never danced before, reveling and laughing and shouting with her friends until she drops, until her social battery totally runs out. She drowns, not in the buzz of the alcohol, but in the blinking neon lights and the music and her friends’ laughter. And suddenly, Lia feels leagues better. She is swimming in ecstasy, almost breathless and panting from all the jumping and the dancing.

* * *

Ryujin does a little people-watching as she waits for the bartender to serve her the drinks she ordered. She could see her girlfriend from the distance, dancing along with her friends, and just seeing her that happy to be outside makes Ryujin’s cheeks heat up. She didn’t feel like dancing yet so she asked to be excused until she feels comfortable to do so. But somehow, right now, just watching her girlfriend makes her feel content.

The first drink arrives and it happens to be Ryujin’s. She thanks the bartender and he tells her that the rest of her orders are coming in shortly. She takes a swig of her drink, the alcohol burning her throat and heating up her stomach. The bitter taste overpowers the sweetness and it makes her face twist, but she somehow likes it. It’s an acquired taste, or so they say.

Her mind flutters elsewhere as she stares into the open space flooded by heaps of dancing, writhing bodies. On the outside, she’s vibing and nodding her head to the song, but on the inside, she’s thinking of her girlfriend, despite her being in the same establishment. How long has it been since they got together? Three? Almost four?

They’ve been together since the start of their final year in college. They started getting close after being in the same group for a class production; each group in class was assigned to a musical and they had to each perform a snippet of a song from their respective musicals and combine into a big production at the end. Ryujin’s group got Hamilton the Musical. Her group members had good chemistry and teamwork back then, and they had the most fun backstage.

Who would’ve known that she’d be with the girl they considered their group’s leader at the time; the girl who helped dissect the song to be able to make their own arrangement and voicing; the girl whose vocals powered through Angelica Schuyler’s notes in The Schuyler Sisters; the girl who profusely complimented her dancing skills on the first week they met; the girl who asked her how she was able to study and retain as much information without needing to write it down; the girl who always appeared so bubbly no matter how tiring it was during practices.

Her girlfriend, Hwang Yeji. They’ve come a long way, and they still have a long way to go.

Thinking about Yeji made her cheeks burn instantaneously. Her days feel complete whenever she gets to talk to Yeji. Just talking to Yeji got her giddy. Yeji’s smile made her feel invincible. She grew attached to Yeji within a month of talking. And Yeji felt the same way towards her. Even though Ryujin was still trying to recover from a toxic relationship, she truly believed that Yeji came in at just the right time. She gave Yeji enough Time and time again, Yeji proved herself worthy of Ryujin’s love. Yeji always tried, of course; she always tried, just for Ryujin. And Ryujin hasn’t exactly been easy to be with.

She loved Yeji. And Yeji loved her back. Ryujin was just as in love with Yeji as Yeji was with her. They loved each other, and they were in love with each other. No one could compare to Yeji, just because she was _Yeji_. They chose each other every day, and they still do. Ryujin will always choose Yeji.

For some reason, she suddenly recalls her other friends in college, some of the people she used to be close with. She remembers a girl who vaguely became her biggest ‘what-if,’ her biggest ‘what-could’ve-been’ before her girlfriend came into her life. They were close; they weren’t together all the time nor did Ryujin think about this girl all the time, but she knew that she had a special place in her heart. She remembers talking to one of her _unnies_ she met through an organization about the girl in question. “You guys look good together; why not… you know?” her Chaeyoung- _unnie_ would say.

Ryujin loved taking photos of her; Ryujin loved making her blush and watching her gain confidence every time she’d hyper her up; Ryujin loved holding her hand; Ryujin loved kissing her cheeks and her forehead; Ryujin loved keeping her close and helping her get through whenever she was nervous; Ryujin loved being one of the shoulders she could rest on. They loved each other, this much is true. But the love that existed between them — as real as it was and _still_ is — didn’t have any sense of attachment.

She loved _her_. And she loved Ryujin back. But they weren’t in love with each other. There’s a difference. It felt different from the way she felt and still feels for Yeji.

As the short-haired girl wonders why she had those sudden thoughts, she faces the counter again to search for the bartender who told her that her orders were coming shortly. The bartender slides the other three drinks she ordered earlier towards her, but seeing as her friends are still enjoying themselves, she decides to drink her friends’ drinks instead. She calls on the bartender and orders another round for her friends, for real this time.

She takes a sip of the frozen margarita that was supposed to be Yeji’s, and just as she turns her head back to people-watch from a distance, she recognizes a familiar face, two people away from her. Ryujin could see rivulets of sweat trickle down the girl’s face and neck. She could not stop staring at her, but she’s trying to be inconspicuous. Until she finally processes what her eyes are seeing.

The girl who was two seats away from her… she hasn’t changed. She still looks the same. Her features are still the same as they had been back in college. Her tall, slender nose… her thin but perfectly shaped lips… her almond eyes that curved upwards at the edges when she smiles… It’s _her_.

“Lia? Choi Jisu?” Ryujin struggles to amplify her voice enough as loud music trumpeting from the speakers filled the whole bar.

The girl turns around and sees her. “Ryujin?”

Ryujin notices how the girl smiles upon recognizing her. Before she could even approach Lia, the latter already moves towards her and gives her a hug. “Oh, my goodness, it _is_ you, isn’t it?!” Ryujin exclaims as the girl hugging her looks up at her. She studies Lia’s face and at that moment she realizes that, despite the thoughts occupying her headspace a while ago, she never really harbored any negative feelings about Lia being her biggest ‘what-if.’ In fact, she was excited to have bumped into her tonight.

“How have you been, Ryujin?” Lia asks, equally as stunned (in a good way) to see another one of her college friends after two years. She suddenly wonders whether the situation would’ve been different pre-alcohol consumption. “I’m sorry, I may have gotten a little sweat on you.”

The short-haired girl glances down at the chest area of pastel blue shirt, now a slightly different colour in some areas due to Lia’s face imprinting her sweat. She laughs it off upon seeing Lia smiling sheepishly and apologetically at her. “It’s okay, don’t… sweat it,” she jokes. “I’ve been good. Though I _did_ have to quit my previous job because the working environment was too toxic. My new job seems better. Pays better, too. And I may have been planning some things on the side, along with Yeji.” She passes Lia one of the drinks that was initially supposed to be her friends’.

The older girl takes it, to Ryujin’s surprise, and lets the taste of the alcohol wash over her esophagus. “Yeah, I kinda drink a little now,” Lia chuckles. “Wait, what was your previous job again?”

“I worked as a performance instructor under an entertainment company. You know, like the one that produces idols?” she scrunches her nose at the mere of thought of that place. She hardly got paid what she was due, despite making hit-after-hit choreographies.

Crab mentality, she found, was prevalent in that company. Since it was a big, well-known company and she was a fresh graduate who scored such a big achievement on her first year of work, everyone else wanted her position and attempted to bring her down. Instead, she just got fed up by the system and decided to quit.

Lia nods her head as she recalls seeing Ryujin posting about getting the job a year after they graduated. “Right, right, I remember,” she says. “So what’s your work now?”

“Basically just the same, but in a different company now,” Ryujin clucks her tongue. “Guess my supervisors put in good word for me even after I called their system trash.” She rolls her eyes and shakes her head in disbelief. She takes another sip of alcohol, her cheeks burning red. She swishes her glass lightly, allowing the ice cubes to clink. “How about you?” she asks. “I hear you’ve been getting a lot of gigs lately.”

The older girl feels her cheeks heat up. She doesn’t really like talking about her work, even though she’s fairly proud of herself for her achievements and for being complimented by big singers who have heard her perform as they ate dinner at fancy restaurants. “Yeah, I guess so,” she nods, grinning with cheeks stained pink. “It’s been great. Some agents have tried to scout me but I politely decline.” Her smile reaches her eyes and Ryujin watches as the edges of Lia’s eyes almost curl upwards.

Ryujin missed that, she finds. The moment Lia did an eye-smile, Ryujin wanted to reach out and pinch her cheeks. Instead, she smiles along with her and gulps down some more alcohol.

Before Ryujin could ask about something else, Lia beats her to it. “Oh, yeah, how’s Yeji? And what’s that side-business venture you got going on?”

“She’s doing fine,” the short-haired girl replies. “We technically have the same job, but we work in different companies. We were actually thinking about starting our own small entertainment company once we save up enough for rent, equipment, stuff like that.”

“I see. She’s treating you right, isn’t she?”

At her own question, Lia gets taken aback. What _in the world was I thinking?_ she whispers to herself in her head. Of course, back in college, she _was_ able to joke that way around Ryujin, but it’s been two years since they talked like this. She didn’t know if it was still acceptable for her to do that. Surprisingly, Ryujin doesn’t seem to be bothered. It’s as if, for Ryujin, no time has passed between them.

The younger girl only chuckles softly and takes Lia’s hand in hers — the way they used to, the way they always have. “Yeah, she still does,” she answers confidently. _Some things never change_ , she says to herself.

Every time their hands touch, Ryujin doesn’t feel intense mind-blowing, lightning-inducing sparks nor does her heart flip over thrice. There is no lump in her throat, no butterflies in her stomach. Instead, there are tiny beats of warmth, like a steady flame in a glass lamp. It doesn’t burn, but it pulsates, it flickers, it beats. It’s something that she has learned to live with over the years that they’ve known each other, something she understands, knowing full well that her love for Lia will never consume her the way her love for Yeji does.

She loves Lia. She always will. But they weren’t tied by a red string. They weren’t bound to cross paths in that way. They weren’t _in love_.

For Lia, holding Ryujin’s hand brought her a different kind of comfort, a different kind of peace. She remembers back in college how Ryujin would always know when she needed a confidence boost, when she desperately needed to calm down as her heart raced in her chest and dropped to her stomach, especially before performing. No matter how blank Lia’s expression could look, Ryujin always somehow sensed whenever she had cold feet. And so holding Ryujin’s hand again that night, despite how much she didn’t expect it to happen, just felt familiar and safe.

The world around them continues to move but even for just a few moments, Lia and Ryujin are in their own bubble. The bartender comes in with the next set of drinks, the ones waiting for Yeji and her friends.

Thoughts begin to pour again in Ryujin’s head; they’re the same intrusive ones she had prior to bumping into Lia at the counter. Their forehead kisses, their cheek kisses, their hands in each other’s, the soft touches, the cuddling, the littlest signs of affection. Her thoughts tug at her, attempting to let themselves loose out of her mouth. This isn’t the alcohol’s doing; this is simply her curiosity trying to get the best of her. And yet she thinks, maybe knowing now, two years after college, wouldn’t hurt… _right_? Nothing else is going to happen; she’s just going to ask her a mere question.

It is closure, she convinces herself. Something she doesn’t think she ultimately needs because 1) she could live without knowing and 2) she probably knew the answer all this time. If her intuition has served her right, Ryujin has known the answer ever since they were in college, even before she met Yeji. But it’s something she could use to put her curiosity to rest. Maybe it was important to hear from Lia herself, that’s what she thinks.

So she lets the thoughts loose out of her mouth.

“Jisu- _unnie_ ,” Ryujin starts, “I have a question. It’s just something I’m curious about, I guess. Something I need to put to rest in my head. I hope you don’t think anything of it.”

Honestly, the younger girl’s disclaimer isn’t what makes Lia blink. It’s how Ryujin called her by her Korean name, which she hasn’t heard from her in a while; she was used to Ryujin calling her ‘Lia- _unnie_.’ “Uhm… okay. What’s your question?” she says, feeling a slight shiver at her nape as the thought of having someone confront her just to ask something keeps her on edge.

“Did you ever think that we could’ve been a thing?”

Surprisingly, the question itself doesn’t make Lia nervous. A wave of calmness washes over her. “To be honest, yes,” says Lia confidently, with her whole chest.

Despite having this gut feeling about Lia responding this way, Ryujin’s eyes widen and brows raise, mouth forming a small ‘o.’ But after a heartbeat passes, she just nods as if to express that this was something she expected. She bites her lower lip and brings her brows together, concentrating her eyes on the floor, before asking again. “Why?”

Lia exhales. “I really think we understand each other a lot, until now. There was this sort of… chemistry, I guess? Is that the right term? There was this sort of chemistry that I definitely think had romantic potential.” She’s in awe at how she was handling everything so calmly even though, normally, these would’ve been hot-seat questions.

“I mean, just how it feels… It feels different, compared to how I see Chaeryeong or Yuna or Somi. I see them more like sisters,” Lia continues. “And at the time, I really felt like there could’ve been something more between us, if we wanted it enough.” Her eyes are glued to the other girl, whose brows are still furrowed and eyes still stuck to the floor. Lia wonders what she could be thinking at that moment and if she had any more questions.

“I see…” Ryujin replies to acknowledge Lia’s response. She looks calm, but deep down she’s shaking in her boots. The words _if we wanted it enough_ keep ringing in her head repeatedly. _If we wanted it enough_. That’s always been the bitter truth. No one made a move because neither of them wanted it enough to try.

They weren’t in love but they could have been, if they only wanted it enough. And yet, there exists a paradox, as it would be almost second nature for Ryujin to want it enough to try when she’s head-over-heels in love.

Deep down, maybe Ryujin knew that it wouldn’t work out even if they tried because even as friends, Lia had this tendency to flake out on her, even while she was going through that toxic relationship. Ryujin never held it against Lia because Ryujin tends to flake out on people, too, but if they couldn’t be there for each other in times of distress, how were things going to work out?

And for what it’s worth, Ryujin didn’t mind keeping Lia at arm’s length, as a friend, if it meant that she gets to keep Lia in her life.

“Was there a reason why you never brought it up? Even before Yeji came into the picture?” Ryujin asks again, the atmosphere almost feeling more like a set interview with every question. Even with loud music, loud cheering, and people drinking around them, Ryujin and Lia are in their own little space talking about something so intimate.

“Confidence,” answers Lia. Having self-confidence was undoubtedly not one of Lia’s strongest suits and Ryujin knew of this. Despite her self-esteem improving immensely over the years, she still has difficulty feeling comfortable in her own skin, being vulnerable in front of others, and in taking risks. “Basically, I wasn’t confident enough to try.

“We were both going through a lot of things, Ryujin,” she continues. “And so I thought that, especially after everything that happened with your ex and how toxic that was, you deserve someone who could be there for you when you needed it, someone who could give you as much emotional support as you need. Someone strong. And I’m not.”

Lia lets out a shaky breath and shifts her gaze from Ryujin to the ground in between her feet. She feels almost embarrassed for admitting her vulnerabilities and baring herself open like this. But Ryujin seems to understand. She takes a peek at the younger girl to her left, who was slowly nodding her head, and gives her a small, slightly somber edge-of-the-lips smile.

Ryujin looks back at her and returns her smile. “Did you regret it? Not taking a chance, I mean.”

“No. When Yeji came, I saw how happy she made you. Of course, I had my apprehensions with her, but seeing how happy you were with her, I knew I made the right choice.” She suddenly remembers her drink and gulps a bit of it down.

“I see.”

A pause.

Lia then returns the question to Ryujin. “Did _you_?”

“No, not really. Of course, I _did_ think about it, too, myself. But I guess we both just knew our realities and stuck with them.” The younger girl gazes into Lia’s eyes lovingly and tucks a few loose strands of hair behind Lia’s ear. “You know I’ll always love you, though, right?”

The older girl lets out a small, soft hum. “Yeah. I’ll always love you, too, Ryujin.” Lia’s eyes shut for a second, relishing in the feeling of Ryujin’s hand on her face, and opens them as the younger girl lets go. They exchange warm smiles again.

Someone at the other end of the bar is yelling at their friend to chug. Someone’s being dragged by his two friends to the comfort room, possibly to puke. Tons of people are singing along to the song coming from the speakers. But between Lia and Ryujin, there is a comfortable, serene, peaceful silence; just two girls sitting by the countertop of the bar, about a foot or two apart, fully coming into terms with the what-could’ve-beens and the what-is. As if they’re taking in and digesting all the answers and secrets the universe seems to have handed them.

All of a sudden, a familiar voice calls out to Ryujin and it sounds close. “ _Ryujinnie!_ ” A figure emerges from the crowd of people on the dance floor. Her face is red and her whole body is sweaty from all the dancing and the humidity of being among other dancing bodies. She spots Ryujin instantly and calls out to her in a brighter tone as she rushes towards Ryujin, all cheerful and excited to have seen her girlfriend.

As Ryujin sees this figure calling out to her, she feels her heart perform a somersault thrice, consecutively. Burning but fulfilling heat spreads from her cheeks down to the pit of her stomach, and her own face brightens up. At this moment, her mind, heart, and soul align and it’s _this_ — it’s _this_ feeling, this sense of oneness, this sense of wholeness — that gives meaning to the word ‘home’ and makes it synonymous with ‘Yeji.’

No one else. No one comes close for Ryujin.

Just like that, after they exchange well-wishes and greet one another good-bye, Lia watches them leave and go off into the sea of people, carrying off three drinks — one in each of Yeji’s hands, another one in Ryujin’s. Ryujin’s other hand is looped around her girlfriend’s waist, which is the icing on Lia’s bittersweet cake. Watching the girl she let slip through her fingers walk away with someone else had always made her heart sting a little. But even though she was technically the one to blame, what she said earlier holds true and will always hold true — she had no regrets.

As the two figures are completely out of sight, Lia turns to face the countertop and ignores the beeping of her own phone, desperately wanting to be alone even for just a moment. And with Ryujin’s warm, radiant smile imprinted on her mind, she lingers at the counter a little longer, finishes her drink, and lets the alcohol wash over her.


End file.
